The Monthly Board Meeting
By Gene Lempert

This meeting will please come to order. Those in the back, keep it down. You in the corner, stop licking yourself. It’s not good for our image. Welcome to C.A.T.S., Cats Authority for Training Staff. For you newcomers, staff refers to the humans we must somehow live with. The purpose of this meeting today is to help you better train your staff so they don’t continue with the notion that they’re the masters and we are the pets. It not only hurts my felines, but it should be clear who’s running the show. Just look how often we come up in the so-called language they speak in these parts.

Why they worship in a CAThedral; they throw things with a CATapult; they get CAT scans at their doctor’s; they blindly create CATastrophies; they get down and become CATatonic (although I always thought CATnip was CATatonic if you get my drift. Speaking of which, please use the litterbox in the hall, not the one in this room). There’s also my human’s personal favorite, CATheter. Well, you get my point. I could go on with this all day just in this CATegory, even CATalog them. Enough with the yowls. You know I’m unrepuntant when it comes to these things. Oh just one more – CAThouse. We won’t go into great detail about this one. On a related note, hi Marjorie, you cute little sex kitten, you.

Has everyone returned the cards I asked you to scratch your comments on? Okay, Wilbur asks what he should do when his human keeps calling him from across the room. Well, obviously don’t come right away. That would be contrary to our whole way of life. On the other hand we don’t want to give him a CATniption so he’s too wacked out to get our food, so at some point you’ve got to go along with him. Hold out as long as you can, though.

Herman, you old tomcat, wants to know why his human always wants to pet him and mess with him except when he’s on his computer. That, of course, is the only time Herman wants to play with the human, walking on the keyboard, jumping down, rubbing his legs and being ultra friendly. The human, who is making a general nuisance of himself, pushes him away and speaks in a less than gentle voice. Well Herm, I think you have to accept the fact that humans need some time for themselves, so look at their computer time as their break time, but work them as hard as possible the rest of the time. Oh, you all know what I mean. Beg the human to let you out, then let you in, then let you out until she starts screaming that you don’t know what you want and why should she succumb to your demands and she won’t play this game anymore. BUT SHE ALWAYS DOES.

Genevieve would like to know what to do when guests come and the human wants to show how smart “his cat” is. This is easy, Genny. Don’t do a damn thing. Don’t move. Don’t be friendly to anyone, your human or someone else’s human. They’ll eventually lose interest and start discussing the stock market which is eating up their retirement funds and doing something CATaclysmic to the economy.

Billy Bob complains that his human sometimes gets very nice to him and then throws him into the cat carrier to go to the Veterinarian. Billy gets fooled every time and for what. You go to a place with big old barking dogs and when you finally get in to see the Vet, he pokes you with these sharp needles while the human tells you what a brave cat you are and how proud of you he is. Well, Billy Bob I can only urge you to come to our next meeting where we’ll be discussing feline health care. It’s called the Vetting Process.

I think we have time for one more card. Broderick writes that he likes to cat around in the evening, but his human thinks he’ll come in when it starts to get cold out. Brod really does want to come in, but doesn’t want to give his human the satisfaction. What’s he to do when he’s starting to freeze his furry butt? This one is also easy. The human wants to get you in before she gets into her warm, comfortable bed, so don’t be tempted no matter what until the lights go out and she’s close to snooozeland. Then start raising a ruckus until she opens the door for you. While she’s closing up, jump in her bed stretching across at least two thirds of it. That’s called CATenation.

Okay folks, our time is up. I hope you have gotten some ideas about how better to train your staff, your human. It’s been a real CATharsis for me anyway. See you next time.